Origins of the People-Pleasing Trap: Survival of the Friendliest
Many clients seek out therapy when people-pleasing habits are getting in the way of their peace and fulfillment. But for most of us, people-pleasing was an effective survival strategy in our formative years. So how did this way of coping shift so dramatically from helpful to harmful? Let's start at the beginning.
Origins of People-Pleasing:
People-pleasing behavior often finds its roots in early childhood experiences. Through trial and error, your younger self learned that anticipating the responses of others allowed you to have some influence in your world. Maybe consoling dad when he had a bad day resulted in him shouting less. Perhaps caring for your younger siblings led to praise from your caregivers. Or choosing not to share about your own hurt resulted in household harmony. Evolutionarily, it does not make sense for us to betray our own needs unless there is a major payoff.
Now zoom out and consider that perceived "payoff" from the lens of your five-year-old self. Humans are a social species that require community to survive. Things like parental anger, disapproval, disappointment, or frustration are filtered through the five-year-old lens as potential risks of abandonment. Could you have survived in the wild alone as a kindergartener? Probably not! So your attention to the shifting moods of those around you was actually about SAFETY at the basic level of survival.
Consequences of People-Pleasing:
While the intention behind people-pleasing may be to maintain safety through harmonious relationships, it can have significant repercussions on our own psychological and emotional well-being long-term. When we regularly prioritize others' needs at the expense of our own, our own emotional experience becomes lost in the shuffle. This means that over time, we might struggle to even be able to name our emotional experience in the moment (but you know we can predict everyone's around us!). Resentment can build when our needs are regularly unfulfilled. How many times have you wished that others would thoughtfully anticipate your needs the way that you do for them?
The cherry on top is that the fear of abandonment that was present in childhood has just migrated to our adult relationships. We might experience intense anxiety and fear when we think we might disappoint someone we care about. Putting others before ourselves only temporarily eases the worry that they will leave. Being on that rollercoaster is exhausting. Interestingly enough, in some ways we create our most feared experience of social disconnection by preventing anyone to really get to know us. There are two extreme ends of the spectrum of how this story ends: we attract people who are just fine taking and taking in the the relationship without getting to know us (eek!) or the people who want to connect with us get tired of trying to get over the emotional walls and leave.
Breaking Free from the People-Pleasing Trap:
Now that we've unmasked the origins and consequences of people-pleasing, it's time to break free from this pesky trap. Here are some tips to help you get started:
Practice self-awareness: Pay attention to instances when you feel compelled to prioritize others over yourself. The key here is to celebrate your noticing instead of judging it! When we begin to look at our not-so-helpful patterns, we start seeing them EVERYWHERE. That's great because now you're seeing many opportunities for new ways of interacting. That does not mean that you need to start changing your behavior in every one of these scenarios. We're just looking to start seeing our options. Gentleness with yourself is key as your awareness grows.
Validate, validate, validate: An antidote to potential judgment or self-criticism as we increase our awareness is self-validation. In the psychological world, validation is anything a person can say or do to communicate that what we are feeling, thinking, or doing makes sense. My favorite validation phrase is, "It makes sense that you _________ because _________." E.g. It makes sense that you avoided that conversation because it felt terrifying; it makes sense that you prioritize others because it was essential for your survival; it makes sense that this process is overwhelming because it's a totally new way to look at things. Other phrases that may feel validating to you: Other people in my shoes would feel the same way; this sucks; or sometimes just "oof!" While validation does not solve problems, acknowledging our having our emotional experience as understandable or valid reduces the intensity of our distress. Once we get a little relief from the distress, we are in a much better frame of mind to take another step if needed.
Try some small "no thank yous": Small "nos" can pave the way to healthy boundary setting. Instead of tackling the final boss of setting boundaries with your unstable caregiver or critical manager, try starting small by correcting your order at a restaurant, declining an invitation, or saying no when asked for a favor. This may be uncomfortable! The goal is not that this feels yummy (though at some point it might). Instead, practice celebrating your ability to do something challenging. Acknowledge your ability to do difficult, uncomfortable things out of kindness toward yourself.
Seek professional support: Consider consulting a qualified therapist to explore and address underlying issues related to people-pleasing. Changing the way we value ourselves is a journey and it can help to have support along the way.
Understanding the origins and consequences of people-pleasing can empower us to break free from this pattern and develop healthier emotional boundaries. By fostering self-awareness and prioritizing personal well-being, we can enhance their ability to engage in authentic relationships and lead a more fulfilling life. Remember, it is essential to recognize and honor our own needs while maintaining compassion for challenges in our journey of reprioritizing ourselves.
