Boundary Setting
Understanding boundaries: How to set them and why they matter
Setting boundaries can be one of the most transformative skills for maintaining healthy relationships and fostering personal growth. However, for many people, the concept of boundaries can feel confusing or intimidating, especially when they’ve never had healthy models to follow. In this blog, we’ll break down the difference between boundaries, rules, and agreements; explore why boundaries can be challenging for certain individuals and communities; and provide actionable insights to help you advocate for your needs.
Boundaries, rules, and agreements: What’s the difference?
A key to understanding boundaries is learning to differentiate them from rules and agreements. While these concepts might seem similar, their intentions and impacts differ significantly:
Boundaries
Boundaries are personal limits that you set and enforce for yourself. They are meant to guide your own actions and responses, rather than controlling others. Choosing to set a boundary requires knowing your needs and making a caring commitment to yourself to address those needs. For example:
“I’m not comfortable being around yelling. If that happens, I will leave the room. I would be happy to resume the conversation at a later time.”
This boundary communicates that you love yourself enough to move yourself away from the uncomfortable behavior of yelling. It clearly communicates your planned response to the other person if yelling occurs. Setting a boundary is a way of protecting your emotional well-being without trying to control someone else’s behavior.
Rules
Rules, on the other hand, are communicated as consequences for unwanted behavior from someone else. At best, they show intensity and clarity about our limits. At worst, they can come across as punitive and lacking mutual respect. For instance:
“Yelling is not allowed. If you yell, I’m leaving.”
I have a lot of compassion for rule-makers! Just like boundary-setting, it’s an attempt at self-care and self-protection. The problem is that this framing feels less collaborative and may lead to resentment because it imposes expectations on others without their input.
Agreements
Agreements are mutual understandings created collaboratively. They require input from everyone involved and acknowledge the needs of both/all parties. For example:
“I’d love to talk about what behaviors are helpful and harmful for each of us during conflict. I know that yelling is really upsetting for me; what about you? How would you feel about making an agreement not to yell during conflict? If one of us does yell, how can we pause to prevent escalation?”
Agreements honor the needs of all people and create shared accountability. Extra bonus if you can create a plan to collaboratively address next steps when agreements are not upheld.
Remember, setting boundaries, describing rules, and/or drafting agreements does not guarantee that everything will go according to our well-laid plans. We’re complicated humans! Let’s plan ahead for caring for one another when expectations are not met.
What factors make boundaries more challenging for people pleasers?
People who identify as people pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries, and for good reason. Here are some common factors:
Conditioning to Sacrifice Personal Needs: People pleasers are often taught to prioritize others’ needs over their own to maintain interpersonal harmony. This can create a sense of safety in the short term but undermines long-term well-being.
Evolutionary Need for Community: Humans are hardwired to seek connection and avoid rejection. For people pleasers, the fear of losing relationships can make asserting boundaries feel like a threat to their survival.
Punishment for Self-Advocacy: Many people pleasers have experienced negative consequences for advocating for themselves, such as being labeled “difficult” or “too much.” That fear of interpersonal pain is often enough to inhibit healthy boundary setting.
Underdeveloped Self-Awareness: People pleasers often develop hyper-awareness of others’ emotions at the expense of their own self-awareness. This can make it hard to identify personal boundaries in the first place!
What factors make boundaries more challenging for LGBTQ+ folks?
For LGBTQ+ individuals, the challenges of boundary setting are often rooted in experiences of invalidation and marginalization:
Fear of Invalidation: Growing up in environments where parts of one’s identity were dismissed or rejected can lead to a habit of suppressing needs and boundaries to avoid further invalidation. Chronic invalidation is incredibly painful; we will do a lot to avoid triggering it again.
Lack of Healthy Models: Many LGBTQ+ people grow up without examples of relationships that look like theirs and celebrate mutual respect. Media is trying to catch up, but many stories about LGBTQ+ love are still cardboard stereotypes or dramas steeped in tragedy. With LGBTQ+ folks being a literal minority, there are fewer community, family, and friend examples in our lives to model boundary-setting skills.
Scarcity Mindset: A cultural narrative of limited opportunities for connection, both romantically and platonically, can create a fear of losing relationships. This mindset can lead to tolerating behaviors that cross personal boundaries out of fear of being alone.
What factors make boundaries more challenging in the world of polyamory and non-monogamy?
For those in polyamorous, non-monogamous, or open relationships, boundary-setting can be uniquely complex. Challenges include:
Lack of Healthy Relationship Models: Like LGBTQ+ individuals, those practicing non-monogamy often navigate uncharted territory without examples of how to handle conflict and boundary-setting effectively.
Polyamory Under Duress: Fear of losing a relationship can lead individuals to agree to polyamory or non-monogamy without fully understanding or honoring their own boundaries.
Unclear Lines: Sometimes, boundaries only become apparent after they’ve been crossed. This requires ongoing reflection and communication.
New Relationship Energy (NRE) or Limerence: The excitement of a new relationship can cloud judgment, making it harder to recognize and assert boundaries.
Growth Over Time: As individuals and relationships evolve, boundaries and agreements may need to be renegotiated. This can feel uncomfortable but is a natural part of healthy relationships.
Practical tips for setting boundaries
Identify Your Needs: Take time to reflect on what feels safe and supportive for you in different situations. It’s okay if this step is hard! I promise it gets easier with practice over time. Consider what past situations have felt comfortable/uncomfortable; what are the common threads? Ask a friend or family member about their observations. Sometimes an outside perspective can provide a helpful starting point. An internet search for relationship needs is another way to start that process of building awareness.
Communicate Clearly: Here is a formula I find helpful:
“When _____________, I feel/think/experience __________________. It would mean a lot to me if we could try ________________. I think that could improve _____________ .”
For example: “When there is yelling during an argument (unwanted experience), I feel scared and shut down (consequence of unwanted experience). It would mean a lot to me if we could agree not to raise our voices and pause conversations until we are more calm (request). I think that would help us resolve these conflicts with less pain (positive consequence for the other person; this helps with their buy-in!).”
Use “I” statements to express your boundaries. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when plans change last minute. I would like at least a day’s notice to adjust.” When we use “you” statements, we are much more likely to receive a defensive response. E.g. “You always change plans last minute! You need to give me at least a day’s notice.” You may have noticed other intensifying language in there like “always” and telling someone they “need” to do something. Gentler, self-focused language facilitates more collaboration.
Expect Discomfort: Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable, especially if it’s new for you. That’s okay! Discomfort is part of growth. You may want to ease your nervous system before the conversation by using coping skills or getting a pep-talk from a friend. Planning for self-soothing after the conversation can give you something to look forward to on the other side of the discomfort.
Be Consistent: Enforcing your boundaries shows others (and yourself) that you respect yourself. I see a lot of folks make the mistake of thinking they can just set the boundary once and never talk about it again. I wish that were the case, believe me! Remember, this boundary is important to you. You might have thought about it 50 times before saying something, meanwhile, it has literally never crossed the other person’s mind! They may need to hear it a number of times before it becomes second nature. Consistency of communication and clarity of expectations helps build trust in relationships. This is a worthwhile investment, even if it’s frustrating initially.
Revisit Agreements: In relationships, regularly check in to see if boundaries and agreements are still working for everyone involved. Hopefully we are all growing, evolving, and changing. It’s normal to expect that our agreements also evolve along with us. If you notice that a former agreement no longer fits, that’s your cue to renegotiate.
Final thoughts
Boundaries are essential for creating healthy relationships, fostering self-respect, and navigating life authentically. While the process of setting boundaries can be challenging, especially for people pleasers, LGBTQ+ individuals, and those in polyamorous relationships, it is a skill that can be learned and strengthened over time.
If you’re looking for more tips on healthy communication and relationship dynamics, click the link here to schedule a consult. Together, we can explore how to build boundaries that support your growth and authenticity
Remember: setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about creating the space for deeper, more meaningful connections.
