People-pleasing and cult dynamics: Why kind, sensitive folks get trapped in high-control groups
Ever thought you’d never fall for a cult? You’re not alone. Most people-pleasers don’t see themselves that way- until they wake up and realize they’ve been disappearing inside systems that demand more and more of them. And honestly? This might shock you, but you probably have more in common with cult survivors than you realize.
In this post, I (Dr. Shannon York) sit down with Jessi Hersey—a queer, neurodivergent author and survivor of the high-control group Twin Flames Universe. Jessi is a force of truth and tenderness, and she’s now using her story to help others escape the trap of coercive systems. She’s also hilarious and generous and fully committed to making sure folks know they’re not alone.
We found so much overlap between lifelong people-pleasers and those who’ve survived cult-like environments. And we’re unpacking it all—how people-pleasing develops, what makes us vulnerable, and most importantly, how to reclaim your voice and rebuild your trust in yourself.
Read on to learn more about how these worlds intersect, or watch the full conversation below. This blog is your invitation to reflect, reconnect, and reclaim.
Why people-pleasers are vulnerable to coercive control
During my conversation with Jessi Hersey, this came up again and again: the pattern of queer folks, survivors of trauma, and lifelong people-pleasers finding themselves in high-control systems that look nothing like family... and yet feel just like home. Jessi shared powerful stories about her time in Twin Flames Universe—a group that promised soul-level healing but required unwavering compliance. What started as community quickly turned into coercion.
Jessi talked about the way love bombing, loyalty tests, and public shaming were used to keep members obedient. The pressure to fit the mold or risk being outcast was overwhelming. Her experience echoes what so many of us have lived through in our families of origin: "If you obey, you are safe. If you question, you are exiled."
Many adults who grew up with emotionally immature parents find themselves drawn into high-control groups, whether religious, ideological, or social, without fully understanding why. The connection between people-pleasing and high-control environments runs deep, rooted in early survival strategies, the need for belonging, and the learned habit of self-sacrifice to maintain connection. If you’ve ever felt like you lost yourself in a system that dictated your beliefs, choices, or identity, you are not alone.
People-pleasing is often an adaptation to unpredictable or invalidating childhood environments. Emotionally immature parents may have been dismissive, inconsistent, or overly controlling, leaving their children in a constant state of hypervigilance- seeking approval and avoiding conflict to maintain a sense of security. This learned behavior translates seamlessly into high-control groups, where belonging is contingent upon compliance, self-sacrifice is praised, and questioning the system is met with punishment or rejection. The reality is that we’re drawn to what feels familiar, even if it’s painful.
Jessi Hersey in the Netflix documentary series Escaping Twin Flames
What is a high-control group?
A high-control group is any system — religious, ideological, social, or familial — that exerts strict authority over its members' behaviors, beliefs, identities, or relationships. These groups often demand unquestioning loyalty, discourage critical thinking, and make belonging conditional on obedience. While we often think of cults or extreme religions, high-control dynamics can also show up in friend groups, workplaces, families, and even one-on-one relationships.
I'll touch more on how people-pleasers get pulled into these dynamics in just a second, but first it's important to understand why these environments can feel so appealing to those of us who were raised to constantly seek approval.
Attachment, survival, and the illusion of safety
Let’s be real: attachment isn’t just about love. It’s about survival. At three or four years old, being rejected by a caregiver could be life-threatening. That’s why we adapt. We become who we need to be to stay safe.
High-control groups (cults, rigid religious organizations, ideologically extreme communities) know this. They offer conditional belonging: follow the rules, stay in line, and you will be loved. Question the system? You risk rejection, shame, or full-blown exile.
Sound familiar? Maybe you did your homework so you wouldn’t get yelled at like your brother. Maybe you avoided speaking up to mom because she ghosted people who challenged her.
These learned behaviors don’t vanish in adulthood. They make us vulnerable to the same power dynamics in different clothes.
And here's the kicker: many high-control groups prey specifically on LGBTQ+ folks, offering a kind of faux-family that promises acceptance while quietly eroding identity. But more on that in a bit. Let’s first talk about the carrot they dangle: community.
The promise of community (and the cost of belonging)
Jessi and I also talked about how Twin Flames Universe masterfully sold the illusion of community. On the surface, it looked like a space for belonging and purpose. But beneath that, compliance and conformity were enforced at every turn. Members were told who they could love, where they could live, and even what gender they should identify with. Any deviation from the group’s narrative was seen as betrayal—not just of the group, but of your "true self." It blurred the line between connection and control.
For people-pleasers, connection often comes at the cost of authenticity. High-control groups capitalize on this. They promise community, purpose, healing. But they demand conformity.
When you’ve learned that you need to suppress your needs to belong, it feels natural to stay silent, override your intuition, and give more than you have. It can feel safer to ignore the red flags than to risk being alone.
But real community doesn’t ask you to disappear.
Invalidation, gaslighting, and the erosion of self-trust
One of the most chilling aspects of Jessi’s experience was her description of frequent gaslighting. Leaders in Twin Flames Universe actively denied reality- telling members their memories were wrong, or that their discomfort was their own fault. This form of gaslighting is deeply effective—it makes people doubt their instincts and depend entirely on outside authority to tell them what’s true.
Here’s where it gets especially insidious: both emotionally immature families and high-control groups use invalidation and gaslighting to maintain control.
Invalidation sounds like: "You're overreacting," "That never happened," "You're imagining things."
Gaslighting is when your reality is denied so consistently, you begin to doubt your own mind.
When you're told your perceptions are wrong, you stop trusting your instincts. This creates dependency on the group or leader to interpret reality for you. It’s not weakness. It’s a trauma response. And it’s common.
Healing starts with recognizing that your inner knowing deserves to be heard.
Shame as a weapon
In my conversation with Jessi, we talked about how shame wasn’t just a side effect of Twin Flames Universe- it was a strategy. Jessi described something called the “mirror exercise” that asked group members to personally take responsibility for any pain they experienced, even if it was not their fault or clearly due to someone else’s behavior (e.g. “I yelled at myself” instead of “my partner yelled at me”). Inducing shame and self-blame was a tool to keep people trapped by making them feel unworthy of acceptance elsewhere.
Surprise, surprise, any complaints against the Twin Flames Universe experience were also labeled as a “you” problem. Criticism was met with public shaming as a warning to the rest: this is what happens when you question the system. It wasn’t just about the individual receiving feedback- it was about keeping everyone else in line through fear.
Ever hear this?
"I can’t believe you would do this to me." (from a parent)
"If you leave, you’ll be lost." (from a group or leader)
This is shame used as control. It creates a belief that you're only lovable if you obey. That you're unworthy of acceptance anywhere else. That breaking free makes you bad.
Let’s be clear: You are not bad. You were conditioned. And you can decondition.
Rebuilding after control: What helps?
Jessi’s healing journey has included speaking out, creating content, and connecting with others who have lived through similar dynamics. Her courage to name what happened and build a new life rooted in autonomy and truth is a reminder that healing is not just possible—it’s contagious. When one person speaks up, it gives others permission to do the same.
Getting out of a high-control environment often feels like waking up from a fog. At first, it’s confusing. You question everything. You might even grieve the version of you that once believed in the system.
That’s normal. Here’s what can help:
Reconnect with people who affirm your truth. Safe relationships are an antidote to gaslighting.
Practice reparenting. Become the nurturing voice you didn’t grow up with.
Accept the paradox. Harmful systems can still give us good things. That doesn’t mean they were okay. Dialectical thinking helps you integrate your story.
Center your voice again. Journaling, therapy, movement, and creative expression help you come home to yourself.
You can belong without betraying yourself
Just like Jessie, you deserve relationships that don’t require performance. Community that doesn’t demand conformity. Healing that honors your full humanity.
If you’re rebuilding your sense of self after leaving a high-control group or healing from a lifetime of people-pleasing, therapy can help you:
Recognize and replace self-abandonment patterns
Rebuild trust in your thoughts and emotions
Navigate grief and identity confusion
Find relationships that honor your truth
You are not too sensitive. You are not too much. You are not broken. You are emerging.
Click the “book consult” button below to schedule a free 15-minute video consultation with me. I’m licensed in Florida and Washington and specialize in helping people-pleasers and queer folks come back home to themselves.
