The People-Pleaser Origin Story: How Emotionally Immature Parents Shape Adult Self-Abandonment
Have you ever felt like your relationships revolve around making sure everyone else is okay—sometimes at the cost of your own needs? Maybe you say “yes” when you mean “no,” feel guilty for setting even the smallest boundary, or find yourself scanning for subtle shifts in others’ moods so you can adjust accordingly. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people who struggle with people-pleasing grew up with emotionally immature parents, where love and safety often felt conditional.
Understanding where these patterns come from isn’t about blaming parents or staying stuck in the past—it’s about recognizing how your early experiences shaped you so you can reclaim your own needs, wants, and voice in adulthood. Let’s explore how the conditions of attachment shape people-pleasing, why this behavior had an evolutionary purpose, and what you can do to start breaking free from its long-term costs.
The Conditions of Attachment: What Childhood Taught You About Love & Safety
We come out of the womb wired for connection. From an evolutionary perspective, our survival depended on staying close to caregivers who provided food, shelter, and protection. But attachment isn’t just about physical survival—it’s also about emotional security. Children learn quickly what is and isn’t acceptable in their family system, adjusting their behavior accordingly to maintain connection. This is what we call the conditions of attachment—the unspoken rules about what behaviors earn you the maximum amount of physical and emotional care from your caregiver. As children, we often internally translate the conditions of attachment as what makes you worthy of love and belonging.
When a parent is emotionally mature, they provide unconditional love and validation. They allow their child to express a full range of emotions—joy, sadness, anger, frustration—without fear of rejection. But emotionally immature parents struggle with their own unresolved wounds. They may be dismissive, self-absorbed, unpredictable, or emotionally fragile, leaving the child to navigate a shifting landscape of expectations.
In these environments, love and approval can feel conditional. Maybe you learned that:
Being helpful made you more lovable.
Staying quiet kept the peace.
Not expressing your needs avoided parent meltdowns.
Expressing disagreement led to withdrawal or punishment.
Over time, these conditions of attachment shape your sense of self. Instead of developing a strong internal compass, you become hyper-focused on others—because that’s what once kept you safe.
The Evolutionary Purpose of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing isn’t a personal flaw; it’s an adaptive survival strategy. Our nervous system is wired to keep us connected to caregivers, even at the expense of our own well-being. In psychology, this is known as the fawn response—a stress response where instead of fighting back (anger) or fleeing (avoidance), we appease as a way to stay safe.
In childhood, people-pleasing may have helped you:
Avoid conflict or punishment.
Gain approval from unpredictable caregivers.
Feel a sense of control in chaotic or emotionally unstable environments.
Reduce the chances of being emotionally abandoned.
While this strategy may have somewhat helpful in childhood, it often backfires in adulthood. People-pleasing can lead to chronic stress, resentment, burnout, and relationships where your needs are consistently overlooked. What once kept you safe now keeps you stuck.
The Long-Term Costs of Self-Abandonment
When people-pleasing becomes your default mode, it can affect every area of your life, from romantic relationships to work dynamics and even your sense of self-worth. Some common long-term effects include:
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Saying “no” can feel impossible without guilt or anxiety.
Chronic Resentment: Constantly prioritizing others can lead to simmering frustration and emotional exhaustion.
Loss of Identity: When you spend so much time accommodating others, you may struggle to know what you truly want or need.
Burnout: Overextending yourself to keep the peace can leave you physically and emotionally drained.
Attracting One-Sided Relationships: When you prioritize others at your own expense, you may find yourself in relationships (platonic, romantic, and career) where your needs are an afterthought.
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about self-blame—it’s about self-awareness. Understanding why you developed these habits allows you to make intentional choices about whether you want to continue them.
Why Understanding Your Family Dynamics Helps Reduce Self-Blame
It’s easy to assume that people-pleasing is just a “personality trait,” but when you zoom out and see it as a learned survival strategy, the shame starts to lift. You didn’t wake up one day and decide to over-function in relationships or silence your own needs—it was something you had to do to feel safe.
This perspective shift is powerful because it replaces self-criticism with self-compassion. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” you can start asking, “What happened to me that made this feel necessary?” From there, you can work on changing patterns with kindness rather than self-judgment.
What Now?: Small Steps Toward Change
Breaking free from people-pleasing takes time, but every small step matters. Here are six ways to start shifting the pattern:
Learn About Healthy Attachment & Boundaries – Understanding attachment styles and boundary-setting can help you rewire old beliefs about relationships. Books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson or Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab are great starting points.
Practice Tolerating Discomfort – Setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs will feel uncomfortable at first. Expect the discomfort, remind yourself why you’re doing it, and gently practice resisting the urge to soothe others at your own expense. Check out the SCOPE skills to help you regulate when emotions run high.
Start Small with Boundaries – You don’t have to overhaul everything overnight. Begin with small boundaries, like taking more time before committing to plans or expressing your opinion in low-stakes situations. Even saying what you prefer to eat for dinner when asked can be an important beginning!
Get Curious About Guilt Responses – Guilt is an evolutionarily helpful emotion to prompt us to repair when we’ve hurt someone. But is it hurtful to say you what you want and need? Can this other person tolerate the temporary discomfort of being disappointed by your response? If the roles were reversed, would you want the person to feel guilty or to say “yes” to appease you? Questioning our knee-jerk responses takes people-pleasing off autopilot so you can make a more intentional choice.
Build Safe, Supportive Relationships – The long-term goal is to surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your self-expression. In the short-term, consider what relationships feel safe enough to practice small boundary setting efforts. What friends or family might cheer you on as you learn more about breaking unhelpful people-pleasing habits? If you’re drawing a blank, you are not alone! Many of my clients spend time learning how to meet supportive folks during our work together.
Seek Therapy for Deeper Healing – Working with a therapist can help you unpack childhood patterns, process stored emotions, and build healthier relationship dynamics. Therapy provides a space where you can be fully seen—without the expectation to perform or please.
Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about swinging to the opposite extreme and becoming rigid or unyielding. It’s about learning to include yourself in the equation of care. You are worthy of relationships where love is freely given, not something you have to earn.
Ready for the next step on your healing journey? If you’re looking for support in breaking free from people-pleasing and building more authentic, fulfilling relationships, I’d love to help. Book a consultation today, and let’s work together to help you step into a life where your needs matter, too.
