People-Pleasing and Invalidation: How Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Voice
What Is Invalidation?
Invalidation happens when others—intentionally or unintentionally—signal that your thoughts, feelings, or experiences don’t make sense. It can come in many forms: a dismissive tone, an eye roll, or a statement like, “You’re overreacting.” Over time, persistent invalidation erodes self-trust, making it difficult to know what we truly feel, need, or believe.
Examples of Invalidation:
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That didn’t happen like you think it did.”
A sigh or eye roll when you express frustration.
Dismissing your needs with, “It’s not a big deal.”
Have you heard of the narcissist’s prayer? Classic invalidation. In fact, many people who develop people-pleasing behaviors are children of narcissists or other emotionally immature adults.
The Impact of Persistent Invalidation on Self-Trust
If you grew up hearing, “You don’t really feel that way,” or “That’s not a big deal,” you likely learned to doubt your own emotional experience. Children who experience repeated invalidation start outsourcing their sense of reality to others as a way to cope. Instead of tuning into their own feelings, they become hyper-aware of what’s expected or accepted by those around them. The more frequent and intense the invalidation, the greater the lack of self-trust. When you can’t trust your perspective of reality, you might:
Monitor others for approval/safety, focusing on microexpressions, emotional states, and voice tone.
Say what you think will be accepted instead of what you actually think or feel.
Preemptively dismiss your own needs before anyone else can.
Struggle to trust your own instincts and emotions.
This survival strategy makes sense in childhood, where staying connected to caregivers is crucial. But in adulthood, it leads to painful chronic self-abandonment.
Why We Internalize Invalidation
Humans are wired for connection. As children, our survival depends on our caregivers, so we unconsciously adapt to the emotional environment we grow up in. The reality is, regardless of your age, it’s really uncomfortable to be invalidated in real time. Children learn a way around this by internalizing invalidation, dismissing their own experience before a caregiver has a chance to do so. This saves us a little pain and expedites the process of reaching a place of family harmony. If expressing certain emotions led to rejection or criticism, we learned to suppress them. If speaking up resulted in conflict, we learned to stay quiet. This wasn’t a personal failing—it was a way to stay safe.
And invalidation doesn’t just happen in openly abusive environments. Well-meaning caregivers, teachers, and friends can also send messages that make us question our own reality. This is especially common for neurodivergent individuals who process the world differently from those around them.
Increased Sensitivity to Low-Level Invalidation
Persistent invalidation can heighten sensitivity to even small acts of invalidation. When someone has spent years having their emotions dismissed, statements like “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out” or “Have you tried doing it this way?” can feel like subtle echoes of past experiences where their reality was minimized. Even when offered with good intentions, these responses can trigger frustration, sadness, or a sense of erasure. This can lead to feeling misunderstood or unseen, even in supportive relationships. Recognizing this sensitivity allows for self-compassion and helps in communicating needs more clearly—such as proactively asking for active listening rather than advice or reassurance. Learning to self-validate also creates a buffer, reducing the emotional sting of unintentional invalidation.
Examples of Well-Meaning Invalidation:
Reassurance: “Everything will work out fine.”
Problem-Solving: “Have you tried ______?”
Encouragement: “You’re strong! You’ve got this!”
Acceptance: “It is what it is.”
Cheerleading: “You’re going to do amazing!”
Regulating: “Just take a deep breath.”
Silver Lining: “At least you learned _____”
Toxic Positivity: “Everything happens for a reason!”
These responses aren’t inherently harmful. But when offered in the absence of true validation, they can make someone feel unheard, dismissed, or even ashamed for struggling.
The Long-Term Consequences of People-Pleasing
When we learn that our feelings aren’t valid, we start looking to others to define what’s “right” or “acceptable.” This leads to a pattern of people-pleasing, where we prioritize external approval over our internal truth. The long-term costs of this include:
Disconnection from emotions: Struggling to identify what we truly feel.
Relationship imbalance: Attracting relationships where our needs take a backseat.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Feeling guilty for saying no.
Burnout: Exhaustion from constant hypervigilance and over-giving.
Identity confusion: Struggling to know who we are outside of others’ expectations.
The good news? People-pleasing is a learned behavior, which means it can be unlearned.
The Connection Between Validation, Invalidation, and Emotion Regulation
Validation plays a crucial role in emotional regulation by helping us process and manage our feelings effectively. When our emotions are acknowledged and accepted—either by others or by ourselves—we experience a sense of safety, which allows our nervous system to settle. This, in turn, makes it easier to think clearly, make decisions, and respond rather than react. In contrast, invalidation disrupts this process. When our emotions are dismissed, minimized, or questioned, it can create inner turmoil, leaving us feeling overwhelmed, confused, or even ashamed of our own experiences. Over time, persistent invalidation can erode self-trust and make it difficult to regulate emotions, leading to patterns of emotional suppression, anxiety, or explosive outbursts. By learning to self-validate, we can break this cycle—offering ourselves the understanding and support needed to manage emotions in a healthier, more balanced way.
What is Self-Validation?
The opposite of invalidation is validation—acknowledging that your emotions, experiences, and needs make sense given your history and context. Self-validation is the ability to offer this to yourself rather than waiting for external approval.
Five Examples of Self-Validation:
“It makes sense that I feel overwhelmed. This is a lot to process.”
“My frustration is valid. My boundaries weren’t respected.”
“I don’t have to justify my needs to anyone, including myself.”
“I’m allowed to be sad about this, even if others don’t see it as a big deal.”
“My feelings are real, even if someone else would feel differently in this situation.”
My favorite self-validation MadLib goes a little something like this:
“It makes sense that I feel ________ because ________.”
This prompt invites you to identify your emotional experience, affirm that experience, and deepen that affirmation by addressing the context. Consider this: how does it feel if I say to you “I get it” versus “I get that would be frustrating because your boss just keeps ignoring your requests!” It lands different, right? The context can include the present (e.g. “I feel overwhelmed because it’s so noisy in here that I can’t focus”) or the past (e.g. “I feel anxious that my partner hasn’t replied to my text because the silent treatment was a common punishment in my family growing up”). Give yourself the gift of understanding and affirming your experience based on the context that is triggering it.
Setting Realistic Expectations for Self-Validation
Learning to self-validate is not about flipping a switch—it’s a process of gradual change, much like strengthening a muscle. At first, it may feel awkward, forced, or even ineffective. Pro tip: workshop validating phrases until you find some that you actually believe. You cannot Girl Boss your way to self-love. We’re trying to recalibrate your internal self-trust and feeding yourself toxicly positive BS should set off your internal BS meter. That’s a good sign! So stick with what you actually believe.
Years of internalized invalidation don’t disappear overnight, and it's normal to struggle with self-doubt along the way. Progress often looks like small victories: catching yourself mid-self-criticism and softening your response, recognizing your emotions a little faster, or feeling slightly less guilty when setting a boundary. Some days will feel like breakthroughs, while others might feel like setbacks—but that’s part of the process. The key is consistency, patience, and self-compassion. Each time you validate your own experience, you’re rewiring your brain, reinforcing self-trust, and building a foundation for a more authentic and empowered way of being.
Reclaiming Your Voice: How Therapy Can Help
Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about swinging to the opposite extreme and disregarding others. It’s about learning to include yourself in the equation. Therapy can help you:
Recognize and name your emotions in real time.
Develop skills to navigate fight/flight/freeze/fawn when fearing disappointment.
Reconnect with your own preferences and desires.
Work through anxious thoughts that make it hard to speak up.
Assess the quality of your relationships and surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries.
Practice communication skills that allow you to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs effectively.
Strengthen self-validation to undo years of internalized invalidation.
You Deserve to Be Seen, Heard, and Valued
If you’ve spent a lifetime people-pleasing and doubting yourself, know this: it’s not your fault, and you don’t have to stay stuck. Therapy provides a space where your experiences are validated and where you can start building trust in yourself again.
Ready to break free from self-doubt and step into your own power? Book a consultation today and take the first step toward a life where your needs matter, too.
